Dear family and friends
Today is the day after surgery and I am writing to tell you of the amazing experience in the hospital. It's kinda long, but for those of you interested in the story, here it is. In case you don't get to the bottom of the story, I want to thank all of you up front. I am sure that my ultra-positive experience was a direct result of all of the prayers, reiki, light and good intentions sent by all of you to me during my journey with this healing.
We got an early start so I was feeling pretty relaxed. Brian and Jody took me to Redwoods Memorial Hospital in Fortuna. Lili Oma soon joined us.
Before I put on my gown, we set up our altars in the room. We posted all of the cards and notes I had received. We set Kuan Yin, Buddha, Mother Jenny, Amma, St. Michael the Arch Angel, other Angels, Karen's Goddess stone, the pink pyramid from Ann, Mary's rosary beads, Kristy's mom's basket up on the table. Lili set up her pyramid grid. We brought the family calendar so all of the Saso family was there. It was beautiful and felt so good and comforting.
I put my gown on and got onto the gurney in our 4-bed suite clutching on to my "magic wand" the whole time. The pre-op nurse was wonderful. As she put in my IV I sang to her and Jody was at my head holding me with Lily at my feet. It went in perfectly. (She later told me she was having trouble inserting the IV's that day and that after mine went in so smoothly, so did all of the ones after that. From then on she was going to ask people to sing to her as she hooked them up.)
We got out the songbooks and went through all of the newer songs that I have written this past year during this "breast" journey. Including "I release what I don't need anymore"... At one point the Dr. came in and remarked "You've really made this space your own." She had heard about the crystal in a little pouch I had for her and immediately put it on when I gave it to her. She told us that my surgery was being delayed because the anesthesiologist had to be with an emergency.
So we kept singing, and at one point I said out loud, "OK you can come now, I am ready, but of course finish where you are needed but any time soon would be fine." A few minutes later he showed up with a look on his face like "what am I doing here" and told us that they weren't quite ready for me yet but would be soon. I gave him his crystal and he put it in his pocket.
We all looked at each other and had a laugh about how quickly he showed up after I called. He also commented about my nose ring because in the notes it showed that they were going to put tape over it like they did to the "heart" earring and "anchor" ring I wanted to keep on for surgery. I told him I opted to take it off instead of having it taped. He told me that it didn't need to be taped and almost insisted I put it back on--which I did.
I should mention that all the while I was in the pre-op room I could sense everyone taking their seats in the "surround bleachers" in the surgery room with their candles lit.
One of the next things that happened was Lily played the Tibetan bowl with it laying on my chest. It was incredible to feel the vibration of it in my heart and soon-to-be-operated-on breast. I think I was toning along. Soon after that the anesthesiologist came back. He reached over and put something into my drip and within seconds, I felt altered. Up to this point I hadn't taken any drugs because I was so relaxed. Shortly, we started our parade down the hall to the surgery room. Everyone kissed me goodbye and I was rolled through the doors into surgery. The lights in there looked like the jeweled dome that I was imagining the surgery ceiling to be.
I had brought my Copperwoman CD with me thinking they would give me head phones but it turned out they played it in the room and the Dr. did surgery with me singing to her. Next thing I know, I was waking up to "Thank you for calling us all here together to share the gifts that you've bestowed" -- the last song on the CD. I guess we were in there for only about 45 minutes.
They wheeled me back to the room and I was rejoined by Brian, Jody and Lili--my fantastic support team. It didn't take me long to wake up enough to leave the hospital. Left the pre-op nurse with a crystal and she asked if it was "charged" and Jody asked if she knew about that and she replied that "she learns quickly." I talked with her about my feeling that this surgery was not just for me--but for the surgeon, the hospital and everyone connected with my experience. And she totally agreed and was grateful for being part of it.
So you are probably all wondering, what about the lumps? The journey is not over yet. We will be able to find out the results from the biopsy on Wednesday and I will send out to this list again to let you know. Until then and always, keep the light burning bright.
Love and gratitude to all of you,
P.S. It is over 24 hours after surgery and I am not at all in pain so I have not had to take any pain medication--at least so far.....
chipped away at
like a sculpture
take a little more here
take a little more there
until the pristine
beauty of the core
more chipping away
it is necessary
to pass quickly
from grief to gratitude
this mass of raw nature
into divine purpose
coming into light
Dear family and friends
I'm sure you are wondering what has transpired with the biopsy. It has
been a very busy few days since the report I gave of the hospital stay.
How do I put this?
It is time, more than ever to send your light and healing love and
energy my way. Send it to my breast, that had ductal carcinoma removed.
Send it to my lymph nodes that are yet to be taken and examined.
I am in good spirits and the poem above tells of my outlook of this
whole experience. The journey of the past year has totally transformed
my being. I am grateful for all even though it is hard.
My next step is a visit to Stanford or UCSF-- to meet with experts--as
soon as they can see me, which will be within the next 2 weeks. I will
have to have another surgery as they did not get clean margins on what
was removed and they will need to biopsy the lymphs to check on spread.
LIGHT TO THE LYMPHS! NEGATIVE NODES! is the chant.
I have been on the phone a lot as you can imagine. If you call and do
not get an answer or a machine, I might not be picking up call waiting
so try again later.
I am so grateful to all of you for your love and support. I feel
surrounded by it at all times. I see those flames burning brightly. I
won't know anything more for a while and I will keep you posted when I
am ready to share new news.
Greetings friends and family,
Here's the latest scoop...
I traveled from Garberville on Wednesday, July 28 to UCSF to meet with a surgeon, Dr. Cheryl Ewing. All of her staff that I talked with on the phone were great and sang her praises. I felt relieved to be going to UC, knowing that they are a teaching school/hospital and on the cutting edge of procedure. Thanks to Caryle and other's for giving me the push to get a second opinion and to actually get treatment there.
The visit with Dr. Ewing was great. I really like her and was put totally at ease as she told me they were going to take good care of me. After looking over all of my records, films and slides she talked to me about "the plan."
The first step is to have a series of tests, a CT scan, chest x-ray and other diagnostic tests to see what is going on in the rest of my body. I will also have a needle biopsy of a lymph node under my arm that is swollen. (Busy transforming those cells in my breast.) Light to the lymphs, Negative nodes! After the tests I will meet with the oncologist and she will propose a chemo "healing light" therapy schedule of visits every 3-4 weeks for 6 months.
After the chemo, a month of rest and then more lumpectomy to get clean margins. They are doing clinical studies at this very time on a new way of giving radiation. Rather than 5 weeks, 5 days a week, it will be ONE TIME, during the surgery, right to the site of surgery. By the time I am ready, the doc thinks that this new procedure will be possible for me.
I continue to feel very strong and healthy and I intend to stay this way. I am feeling all of the love, caring and light you are sending my way. Too bad we have to go to such extremes to know that we are so loved. (Alter the paradigm--say "I love you" even more that you already do!)
For those of you who live in or near Santa Cruz: Now that I see what I am facing, I realize that I will be in Santa Cruz for around 8 months before returning to Garberville (Yes Garbervillians--I will be gone longer than I thought).
I am open to finding the place where I am to live. I will describe my ideal and see how close I can come. If you know of anything that you think might possibly work, please let me know--even if it doesn't match my description completely. I will have to decide where I can compromise. I am going for the least amount of stress possible and this means not working too much and certainly not with pressuring deadlines.
This being so, I need a place that is free, or low cost...(dream on, ok, I will...) I would like to live alone if possible so that I can have a lot of quiet time alone. Just leaving 40 acres in the hills of Garberville, I am a bit in shock with the noise of the city--so an old shack in the woods would be great. I need enough room to set up a bed, dresser, closet and desk for my computer with electricity. A refrigerator and a couple burners with a few shelves for food. A toilet or an outhouse would work. This is the basic idea, but as I said before, I will go for the closest to my ideal knowing there might be compromise.
I have a few possibilities already but I am going to wait to see what I can find before I decide what to do--where to go. I will keep you updated as I learn more.
Just keep the light burning bright and please join me in keeping the vibe positive.
Oh mother father dear one
It is your child calling you
I want to let you know
That I am here to do your work
Continue to sculpt me as you will
Prepare me to be your warrior
I willingly offer to be of service
To teach positivity.
I call you in gratitude
ALL-- as gift
I feel in harmony
with the vibration of love
That is where I come from
That is what I carry
That is the I AM
Please be ever with me as I walk your path.
Keep me strong and bright.
Help me remember and accept my humanness.
Let me feel all I feel and move on--
Dwelling in the positive even in the midst of the negative.
May I shine your light bright!
love, love, love
I offer it to you
it is so done, it is so done, it is so done.
July l August l September